30 December 2011

We stand at the turning of ages, looking at the past, thinking about the future. History repeats itself, again and again. We keep walking forward, but keep walking forward, in circles, going round and round and round...

7 December 2011

End of semester!

Finally, time for myself. The semester is nearly over, and now I only have to worry about an exam coming up in two weeks.
Funny thing is this time for myself turned out to be time sorta dedicated to a friend. It is monday morning. One of my best friends turns to me and asks, "you are going straight to your parents' on wednesday, right?" That was correct. "Then please bring a big bag because I'm going to give you a christmas gift." What? A chritsmas gift? It is acceptable yeah, but you could have told me a bit sooner no? Turns out that now, tuesday night, I'm staying awake to make a christmas gift for her. I had returned late home because of some research stuff and I still managed to finish her present. Oh my, I'm such a good friend. Haha, just kidding.
Now, truly when I wanted to enjoy some movie or something, my internet kicks me out. All right, you know what? I'm just gonna sleep. Very much needed sleep.
Bye cold strict college, hi warm soft bed.

1 December 2011

When leisure is too much.

Here I am. Listening to several people tell stories of everyday.
The most amazing one is an everyday bus trip. I can't be sure how much of it is actually true. After all, when telling a story a person unconsciously add some more details, exaggerate a bit.
So, this girl steps on a bus with a big bag and she would get out the next stop. But someone complained about the size od her bag and said she was in the way. She tried to explain that she would get out the next stop, but, predictably, no one heard the explanation. The bus turned into a debate centre. People talking about youth with disregard.
But honestly, just how much spare time do you have to start complaining about something you don't know? Does everyone need to have an opinion about everything? This is a talkative community, I know that much. But sometimes, it just makes me wonder, isn't this giving an opinion about everything no matter you understand the situation or not, just a way to vent out some of our internal anger or displeasure?
She also told that once she was distracted and stepped on a nearly empty bus, and someone push her to the side, because she was not the first one who got the station. Was it really necessary?
Neither situations happened to me. But I've seen the first happen many times. Isn't everyone's life just as complicated? Do we really need to hear, most of the times, unfair comments about our character? Does everyone have to have an opinion about everything? What if they turned that effort in something useful?
Criticism is needed, true. But it's not just criticism. Suggestions for how to make it better are also needed, but it takes more work to make suggestions than criticize. So, I don't see many people giving suggestions. Honestly, that's what we are in need of, that's what we are lacking now.

12 November 2011

sunrise

It's saturday morning, and I never thought I'd find so many people on the streets.
For the first time in a long while, I got up and out of the house before sunrise. If I'm lucky today, I'll get to see the sunrise. Always shiny, full of hope. When I looked at the sky, I saw an odd picture. The sky looked like a stripped blue T-shirt.The clouds were dark blue and the sky was light. It reminded me a lot of those polos that were once fashionable.

On the streets, small groups of people walking around reminded me, yes, yesterday was friday. Meaning, most people were out enjoying their night life. Honestly, I don't have one. I'm not an owl nor a cat. I enjoy going out at night once in a while, yes, but I like sunrise better. Even though I haven't really been waking up early lately, I still prefer dawn to night.
The sun is rising, The diference is huge. The sky is still stripped, but now, in a different way. Let's think of it as a change of clothes. Yes, I'm a girl, I do think a lot about clothing. So now it wears a blue and orange stripped T-shirt. I don't like that combination too much, but given the orange tone is so light is almost looks white, it somewhat looks good. Porto has an airport, so it's not very uncommon to see planes flying by, but this one looks extremely funny. The small aircraft (it looked small, doesn't mean it was small) flew exactly along the line that separeted the dark blue clouds form the orange sky. It looked like one of those kids contouring the drawing.
The hills in the distance looks like spirit mountain or something like that. I'm not sure if there was fog in town today, but there, the fog made the hills look like it was placed in the clouds, a holy place. What I would give to have a camera here.When the sky gets all too bright, it means the sun is up and the fog is bound to disappear soon. The meaning of watching sunrise is now gone, but the goal of sunrise itself has accomplished.
It's a new day, a day like everyday, but also, a day like no other.

11-11-11

11-11-11 is my new unlucky day. No not friday 13. Friday 13 has not given me much bad luck. But 11-11-11 turned out to be one of the unluckiest days of this year. I'm not going to say it was the unluckiest of my life, because I still have some time to live on, but it really could be.
I hate it when I try to do something and nothing gets done. That's today. I had Medicinal lab evaluation. The procedure went well, all right. But I didn't have time to finish writing my report. I was trying to apply for an animal experimentation course for which I did not want to pay at all. So I tried pass the matter onto my teacher and supervisor, but then, today, I got their answer. Their project can't pay for my course, so I have to pay it myself. I wasn't interested in it from the beginning, but I know it may be important for the experiments the next semester, so I guess I just have to take the course and pay for it myself. I tried to return home, well, to my parents' house, but CP went on strike again and there is no train. I didn't want to go home by bus because it was very expensive, but either way, the last bus was already gone by the time I arrived at the train station.

4 November 2011

NaNo Month

November is here. It's NaNoWriMo (National novel writing month). I have so many things piled up that I've forgotten all about this writing event. There I go, late, but nevertheless, enthusiastic. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to make it to the end this time, but who knows, maybe a miracle happens and I actually get to win the event this year.
Other than that, both new seasons of NCIS Los Angeles and Nikita are going on strong. Those shows make studying while watching TV totally worthwhile. I so want to watch this week's nikita episode. The last one left things in a bit of a cliffhanger, now I want to know what happens next.

16 October 2011

Unlucky week

Here I go complaining about my life, yet again.
This wednesday, when I had an important experiment and related hand-outs to fill in for evaluation, my group members decided to ditch me in class. Great! I had to do my work with someone else, which was not bad at all. But, on the other hand, I have to do the hand-out alone. I really have great colleagues, don't I?

Second frustrating thing is to get my name messed up. My name is considered weird in the place I live. People think it is so weird, they just want to make it even weirder. The thing is, I spotted this huge mistake on my newly requested citizenship card, in which my surname was spelled wrong. That is not the problem. The problem is that I only spotted it after a day. And given that it's weekend right now, I have to wait till monday to get this thing solved.

To add to that, my car went dead. Yesterday, I decided to rest a bit longer and not to go shopping. Today, when I finally went down the stairs to get my car, I found out it wouldn't start. It didn't sound like the battery was not charged, it sounded more like, well, like the car just refused to start up. I like that car. I can do a lot of 'bad things' to it and it would still work perfectly. Now, I guess it just decided to go on strike. I really don't get it. Why so sudden?!

Just how did I get rid of my only tiny piece of luck? I definitely had better weeks than this one.

24 September 2011

Recollection

Too influenced by people around me.
I realized just how much I'm influenced by the people around me. I've been pulled down by the people surrounding me. I'm getting weak and lazy. Too lazy to trouble myself to try for more. I stopped pushing myself forward, instead, I just go with the flow, satisfied with mediocrity.
When tidying a drawer, my mom found a t-shirt from six years ago when me and my partner accomplished the unexpected. It was a maths competition in junior high. No one in our grade, first year in junior high, ever finished the 20 levels of the quiz. But that year, we did it. That was one of my best years. Since 10th grade, three years later, it has been a spiral downwards.
Remembering those moments, I remember what they used to say to me. 'Keep it up', 'good job' and 'you are amazing'. My self love is huge, and I really need to go back to those days. I wonder if I should move again, to a place where people challenge me to do more.

9 September 2011

Anxious week

I feel like the price i'm paying it's too high.
First of all, I probably need a job to be happy, which I don't have because I have no social skills.
I hate when I get nothing done, and have to wait for other people to do their part. I never know when they will remember to do it. I hate it when things are not in my hands. I can only go with the flow, totally in a passive state. I wonder how many times I've cried only this week. I've been crying too much recently and no one really needs to know, but I just feel better.
I'm starting to wonder if the price I'm paying it's too high. Given the circumstances, the best thing I could do is to stop going to college for a while, but I don't really want to do that, and also I don't think that's what my parents want. I really should stop studying and start working just for the sake of being near my mom. But now, all I can do is try to balance between what I want and what I feel obliged to do because of family duty. This is going to be a hard year. I hope I achieve something I can be satisfied about, or else, this price won't be worth paying.

6 September 2011

parking tickets

Today, I got to see how economy changed the country. We used to joke that around Christmas time, we'd better bind by the parking rules, because police usually was out searching parking tickets to pass for their Christmas bonus or something. Today, Semptember, I saw four policemen in a street I frequently walk writing parking tickets.
The street was narrow and there were a lot of places where only one car could pass each time. It wasn't allowed to park on that street, but that didn't stop the drivers from parking. Today, for the first time, I saw police fining those people. The police here is known for being comprehensive and lenient on parking tickets. The scene I saw today made me wonder, are they acumulating their Christmas bonus with three months in advance? Or is it just that the economy of this country is so bad, they are even trying to get some money for their salaries from parking tickets?
Next time I drive, I'd want to be careful not to be fined.

Baby me

I'm starting to wonder just how weak I am. I can't take a set back well, not even the smallest of it.
I just can't believe crying is becoming a habit. A bad habit. Though now that I've cried, I feel much better. Why do I have to cry all the time? I wasn't that weak or frail.
I've become a bitter self centered person. I changed, I acknowledge that. The confident, strong me had turned into smoke vanishing in the air. Now, in place of that me, this one is weak, self-loathing, self-centered and bitter. I'm seriously thinking that I might be depressed, but then again, I don't contemplate the possibility of suicide, ever. (or maybe that's just me being too coward to even take my own life.) I really don't know I get so upset with the slightest thing that deviates from what I want. I feel sick. I feel like taking a break from the world, but then again, I'm already not very sociable. If I take a break, I'll be totally isolated when I come back.
I need to emerse myself in work so I can be stressed over unhappy. How is that supposed to work? I've become lazy. I clearly need to get the strong confident me back. This world as it is won't allow me to back off and close into a shell to protect my weak ego.

4 September 2011

Yet another bad day

Negative energies seem to be acumulating in the house. Frustration, anger, resignation, helplessness. Fights seem to be more and more frequent at home. I began to hate this place. I was glad several times before that I calmed down. But now, seems rather difficult not to get angry.
Things are just not going smoothly. Everyone had their own problems to solve, and together there are even more problems. Anger just keeps acumulating.
At home, we smile and joke many times. I used to think that we developped to a better family from the always serious family that left home so many times silent as a grave. Now, I don't think we are that much better. I'm starting to get the feeling that all those jokes are not heartedly felt and were only there to cover for the anger beneath. I wonder how long will this last.



3 September 2011

trouble day

Today is definitely not my day. My mother seemed to not want to get better at all. That, I could have handled easily as this is not that rare. Me getting all angry and frustrated at my stubborn mom.
What more to add to today was that I emailed my school about my registration for this year. They replied me telling me the registration was not valid. Great! Just something more to add to my outbreaking toothache. What an awesome way to begin my weekend! Now, there I go trying to figure out how I'll make them bypass this small little problem and validate my registration. This is going to be so much trouble. I should have known better not to bother with that extra subject, but what can I do? I have already promised my teacher I'd do it. Oh, such big trouble coming...

1 September 2011

Conclusion

Finally, finally done with it on the last day. There we go, I finished camp nano on time!! Awesome, I feel satisfied. It's the first time ever I finished telling a story.

Now, it's time for a new school year. Off I go.

30 August 2011

Camp Nano last days

I'm still on the run for Camp NaNoWriMo. I have 5000 words and so to write in two days. Actually, I already finished the novel. I had been rewrite scenes and adding some scenes along the road. But now, here I am. I am at this point, two days from the end without more scenes to add, and with 5k to go to break the 50k goal.
I feel so fail right now. But writing during all this month made me realize that after all I may be not suited for science? I've been feeling more and more incredibly stupid the more I learn in college. My grades went down a bit last semester. I'm starting to question myself if this is really what I wanted. Working on this novel made me realize how much happier I would be being an artist. Then again, if I want a job in which I can be not the best in what I do, art is not for me.
With the school year starting, I'm losing motivation to do anything at all. I'm confuse. I don't like to be confuse. I always knew what I wanted and worked hard for it. Now, I'm confuse. What should I really work on?
I'll leave this question for after the end of Camp NaNo and the start of the new academic year. For now, I have to focus on finding the remaining 5k. Once I'm in the competition, I will definitely go all the way till the end.

23 August 2011

Inspiration

Inspiration is something that comes when you never expect it to. I'm still doing this Camp NaNoWriMo thing. So far, I'm a bit behind the schedule, but I don't mind. I actually got to write. It takes most of the time in my day, but I'm still happy.
I had my own share times with no inspiration. But also, sometimes, the most insignificant thing can be inspiring. I won't tell about the other ordinary days when ordinary things inspired me to write a scene. Today, I just want to tell, I got a new idea for a story. I have no idea what kind of story it is going to be, just that it will be different. I want to challenge different styles and genres.

"Game over"
That's when everything began.

that's the start for my new story. I still have no idea what genre it will be, I can imagine something rather interesting coming out. It came to me when I was reading some threads in the Adoption Society forum of NaNoWriMo. I was reading 'adopt an epitah' when I came across this ordinary, yet amazing epitah. then I asked myself, if it wasn't an epitah, what it would be?
Ask yourself. there is a different answer in everyone.

16 August 2011

ant farm

Ant farms were a kind of hobby. That's the idea I had. I don't know how people keep them only inside the aquarium looking thing, but they do. I think it's sort of fascinating to have an ant farm, because, oh well, the tunnels they make are somewhat impressive.
What's more impressive is the natural ant farm I found inside my house! I hate to say it, but I don't like ants, not the slightest. The reason is because they annoy me so much getting into my house and stealing my food. It's not the first time that we found hundreds and hundreds of ants clinging onto something we were supposed to eat. The last time, was my pack of lemon cream biscuits, which wasn't suprising because I always knew ants liked sweet stuff. This time, though, they surprised me, me and my whole family.
A pack of nuts. That's where we found our ant farm this time. Not even two months ago, we sprayed ant poison around the house because the weather was very hot and every afternoon our house would be infested by thousands of small annoying ants. They are harmless, indeed, I know, but still annoying. We thought, oh well, we're going to have peace from ants for a while. But I guess not.
Ants started to appear on my desk, on the sofa and one even emerged from my computer! We searched for the source: the pack of nuts I bought two weeks ago. The ants carried these tiny bits of nut and proceeded towards the varanda, where they usually come from. But there was no trail of ants near the varanda. then, where did they come from?
Our sofa was the correct answer. Apparently they used the sponge from inside our sofa to building a small empire. wow, what builders! I can't believe we kept a natural ant farm for so long! Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to get rid of that, since I don't like ants climbing onto my body when I try to rest on the sofa.
Bye, ants. Enjoy yourselves else where, just not in my house.

12 August 2011

creativity

I wonder what creativity is. Doing the camp NaNoWriMo, I do get a small taste of what creativity might be.
I'm doing my best to beat the daily word amount everyday, though I have to almost write all day long to do that. Today, for a change, I got up earlier. My parents weren't home, so it gets easier for me to write. But after two hours, I just wrote miserably 200 or so words. Sometimes, inspiration is really important. A few days ago, I went out for a bit and saw a bunch of flying pigeons. It was a very common scene, but it made me feel odd. When I sat in front of my computer when I returned home, I wrote that scene into my story. As simple as that. Inspiration comes and you just need a bit thinking to put that to use. Creativity, I find it hard to find. You take nothing and make it become something tangible.
My mind went dry one hour ago. I still feel like working on my story a bit, but I guess that's it for today. Creativity is faltering.... What can I do?

8 August 2011

Bang on the Wall

Today is a bad day. August 8th, 2011. Actually, to say that today is a bad day is the greatest understatement I've ever used. Today will be the day that I, little me of 19 years old, successfully made my little family of 3 cry at the same time.
I've held my anger and frustration for so long that, today, to the smallest drop of water, my tears were shed like a flowing river that just broke a dam. I couldn't stop them, I just felt more and more anguish each time I tried to hold them in. I should just have hit the wall times enough to make my anger go away. But I didn't because that would do too much noise and pretty much break the bones of my hand.
Usually after I cry, I feel less angry and relieved. I always pretend that nothing happened after my tears dried, wether my parents noticed and didn't say a thing or didn't even notice, I don't know. But this time, it was different. When I came out of the bathroom with my eyes red, but already dry, I noticed my mother wiping her tears and my dad trying to hold them in.
Great, I managed to out my family crying due to my unfornately not very timely angry disapproval of my mother's behaviour. I felt guilty, but not very much. Sometimes, I get the feeling that my mother needs to hear something strong and naked, not sugar-coated to make her realize the situation she's in.
Don't mind this. Writing it down is just one of my whims to make me feel better.

31 July 2011

NaNoWriMo

Today I was feeling completely useless and hopeless. But, someone made me open my eyes. It made me not only feel a bit better about myself, but also it made me realise what I'm good at, and what I should do with my life. I always complain about not having time to write decently, then, someone suggested NaNoWriMo. I heard of it once when a friend of mine was furiosly writing to increase her word count. So I checked this website and found it quite interesting. The goal is to write 50k words from the scratch in a month. The main event is in November, not a very good time for me. Someone invited me to an August camp, but I declined. For August, my plan is just to try and finish some of my started works. I'm positive that I'll finish the last one I started. As for NaNoWriMo, I think I just found a very good way to start the first draft manuscript for a story anew. I'm in need of that, and NaNoWriMo implies 50k words in a month, very good for a start. There is going to be a lot of crap, but I think, it'll be just fine for the genre of novel I'm thinking of doing.

For anyone interested in these events as well,
http://www.nanowrimo.org/
and add me as buddy too! =)
http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/828810

13 July 2011

累了

累了。莫明其妙的累了。一天一天就这么过着。不知不觉,麻木了。活着有太多的约束。
累了。因为自由不在。 自由也许只是有钱人的奢侈,但是我还是最爱自由。
大学,家务,未来的事业。简简单单的三件事能把我捆地实实的。选择,是什么?有太多的事是别无选择的。也许这么活着是我的选择,但是按社会的规则,我有义务做这些事。
我很喜欢我的专业,但是我学累了。我不是跑马拉松的料,没法这个速度坚持那么久。不止一次想休学在家里干家务,但是也许这只是逃避的方式。
太多的选择题,而通常社会只会给你一个选项。
厌倦和无奈变成了家常便菜。恨变成了心底的常客。无数次想向世界尖叫,却又不敢。
累了。我想发泄。我想玩。想归想,好像今天还没有勇气。

26 June 2011

São João night

It was cold and windy, though summer was should have already come. Nonetheless, the sky was clear. It made my night.
Lights of lanterns and stars. Also, small fireworks from time to time. I was surprised. It looked like magic, a night taken out of fairytales.
According to tradition, laterns are lit to fill up the sun. As after solstice, the days begin to shorten, laterns and sent out flying to the sun.
It really wasn't that much of a big deal, but I love gazing at the sky. And this year, at São João, the night sky was the best of my life.

19 June 2011

daily babble

I'm so seriously screwed for my next exam, which is tomorrow. Just yesterday, I found out that I had a lot more to know, more than half. I get so frustrated when I actually work hard and the result is the same as if I did nothing. I can't even express how angry I was. I'm so pissed at myself. I really should work as hard as my friends. Actually I never really fought for anything like that's what I really want, and nothing else would do. I always just accepted things like they are. Guess I'm not much of a revolution girl.
Moving on, by chance, I heard the song that made me watch anime again after half dozen years. Still think it's one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard. Never felt so touched by a song it totally creeps me out.
I'm starting to feel a bit better as things are starting to sink in. So, maybe until tomorrow, I'll get to know everything that's important. As I heard someone say, Prepare for the worst, Hope for the best.

31 May 2011

A day at pigeon's lair

Today morning, I decided to sing for a while when I couldn't keep studying. A couple of pigeons landed on my varanda. Maybe to hear me sing (kidding), more like just to find food. The thing is. That couple kept walking forth and back like they were gallanting. Is it because of the season? or just because it's sunny today? Either way. I'm barely home so I don't get to observe, yes observe not just watch and see. That couple was pretty cute, until a third pigeon came. Am I watching a love triangle? haha. Who knows... My voice is not as sweet as it used to be, nor I sing as well as I used to do, so maybe I scared those little flying things. They went away flying when I was singing my last song.
It's afternoon now. I'm sitting in front of my computer trying to study though I'm not being very successful. Six pigeons landed to snack. All happy back and forth, while I was calling my mom on the phone. And the snack, they decided to just stay and rest. For a moment, they were so still that I thought they were mumies. One of them really looks like it's dead. Hasn't moved for at least a quarter. If I was a painter I'd be in ecstasy. It's not everyday that you can have pigeons standing still and model for you. Man, I want to take a picture of this scene. Too bad I don't have a camera at hand.
Oh! One of the pigeons, let's call him Mark decided to go snack again. Its beak knocking on the curb sounds like drums. I say, Mark, have you ever thought that your vocation maybe drummer and not just pigeon? XD.

18 May 2011

fate

Yesterday, on my way to university, I met my Physics and Chemistry teacher from High School. The guy is still as smug as always. He asked me about stuff in college, and commented as if he knew how it is like, but he really doesn't. University these days are a lot different from how they used to be. Maybe it's the Bologne thing? Don't know if it's good or bad. I'm just not your average girl. Not that my grades are that good, it's quite average as a matter of fact, but I want to be the best.

Moving on, today, at aNfo radio chatterbox, I met two people. They were from the same country, almost same city, same university, same faculty and even same course! How funny is that? Among all the people in the world, among all the people that registered on that website, to find one that close to you. THAT, I call FATE.

13 May 2011

Give up

Sometimes I feel like everything I do, I turn out giving up on it. Two of the three novels I was writing back in High school went on hold for almost 2/3 years now. College takes alot of time, but mostly I'm just getting lazy. I don't wanna push my head to spill just some words and write it down. I want to actually write something that is interesting and meaningful and wroth reading. Thing is that I don't have the time to sit and brainstorm stuff to write and continue those novels. So, I guess 2/3 years of hiatus is too much. Everytime I try to keep writing I have to read everything from the begining so I actually know what I was thinking and what I wanted to write back then.
That is to say. I have one novel left. Also, the only one that's written in english. I hope I'll finish it in a couple of years after doing some research on the thing.
Something that bugs me is that I have no lack of ideas for book and novels and stories. What I don't have to the talent to write it down in an appealing way and also, the time to write down some fantastic ideas I have. (Well, the last part is just me boasting a bit.) Just a couple of days ago, when I was returning from a clinic, I just build in my mind a very original story. Well, not that original. But, actually, I have never read any novels regarding the concept I had in mind. But, whatever I was thinking, it will have to wait until I end college and find a decent job.
One day, when my english is on a more proficient level, I'm sure I will write and FINISH a novel.

12 April 2011

Burqas

Today, I had an interesting discution about Burqas. It all came by when one of my friends mentioned that it is now prohibited the use of Burqa in France. Some of us were against it, some of us agreed. The discution about tolerance and cultural differences was quite on, which led to several side talks. One of them was the thing we call equality. Then, despite our devious opinions on the allowance of Burqa in a non-muslin country, we reached a suprising consensus. All of us agreed that if we want there to be equal footing for everyone, then the use of garments like Burqa is more likely to work than what we, in the West, use on a daily basis.


Equal footing. That's really something to think about. Despite all people try to say how equal the western society and culture is, it never is. The appearances always influence too much in our daily life. "What you see, what you hear, nothing is what is seems." We are so bound to it, that we don't see. People look, but they don't see. One should look at the mirror first, then look at other people. Judging others and not self-judging, that's just self glorification.


I'm hella tired and I've got classes tomorrow early, but I'm glad I had this conversation today. It made me see thing clearer. One day, I wish to become a person who sees things for what they are, not for what they seem.

10 April 2011

Spring

Ah, the weather is good. Spring is here. I'm happy. The phalaenopsis orchid on my table has florished. Purity of white.



Also a couple of unkown plants on my varanda blossomed some shiny yellow flowers.

6 April 2011

Quotes from Tsubasa Resevoir Chronicles

Also know as Tsubasa Chronicles or TRC. These are some quotes taken from the cover of TRC manga chapter. -To those who, like me, love Tsubasa Chronicles.



"Even if tomorrow everything will disappear.
With your smilling by my side,
I don't need anything else."

"so much sadness(...) flows lovely through the stars."

"Two unlucky fellows cross paths...
Is this a joke played by fate...
or an unavoidable destiny?"

"How much will you have to endure before your wish comes true?"

"I will continue to pursue the wish for eternity, as long as it exists somewhere in this world."

"Even when dark clouds cover your smile, even when rain blocks your voice, (...)your heart will not disappear."

"Stop time for the sake of your smile."

"If you lose your way, take a detour and look at th scenery."

"The broken dream is made whole Light seeps out of the future."

"The presence of friends, your existence, creates a lovable time."

"Even if it's dark and tough, just go straight ahead with justice as your light house."

"What is reflected in the eyes of a devil?"

"Will it remain hidden forever...?
strength within fragility,
gentleness within coldness."

"Spread your wings and fly high."

"Joy and sorrow, are both like scattered petals."

"Ying and Yang. Lies and truth. Are like two paths, paths that intersect"

"Without memories of the past, unable to see the future." stand, and believe in your strength.
"Whatever cruelties the final moment may hold, ...times that have passed will not fade."

"What makes blood flow from one hand to another, is not fate, but destiny."

"Even if we are crushed, even if we are defeated, surely, no matter how many times we'll stand up again."

"Carrying all the sins and past that cannot be erased ...step foward once again."

"Like the fleeting stars, the flowing souls," lifes won't return.

"Even should I be wounded, I can still fight."

"Even if the beloved ones leave his side,
he has to keep on living."

My pace

It's been a while since I felt this happy. But also, I feel uneasy. I don't know, but I feel like I'm worried about something. I actually wonder what I'm worried for. I'm not confident about what I'm going to do. Maybe it's because I'm feeling incredibly dumb. Right now, I'm at a turning point. I'm afraid of walking forward, maybe. I wonder if I can keep up with the world. I guess I have to. I need to hurry. The world won't wait for me, but I can catch it up. And I hope it starts, today.

3 April 2011

Spider Man

I just found a big spider at home. Also, it was a weird looking spider. Black body with a silver strip on it and silver legs. It looks like something drawn, not real. Maybe it's Spider Man... Any spider experts tell me what spider species this one is? As far as I can see, doesn't seem to be poisonous to me. But, one never knows. Also, I don't want an endangered species lurking around my house.

1 April 2011

Noblesse Oblige

Noblesse oblige is a French phrase literally meaning "nobility obliges". -by Wikipedia.org




I came across this quote when I was watching Eden of the East. I didn't realize it's meaning until very late in the show. It means something like 'the obligation of those who have'. And it stroke me. I'm not supposed to be screwing around just because I don't have to worry about surviving. I'm supposed to make something out of my life, and that's not a right, but an obligation.

Also, I believe that world would be a way better place if everyone just tried their hardest to obey this 'noblesse oblige' thing. I think I realized something good today. I'm glad I watched the show, even though I was hesitant at first.


-Noblesse Oblige,

Jess





14 March 2011

My dear car

My dear car,
I'm so sorry I crushed you into a metal fence today. I know, I'm really such a sickening idiot. We just went through the yearly inspection smoothly. Why would I just bump into that metal thing?!
Just how stupid can I be?! Maybe it was my mind drifting, like, oh! we passed the inspection, let's crush it somewhere, haha! Not funny, not funny at all. So, official apology issued.

Sincerely sorry,
your driver

You who want to be the best

You who want to be the best, how far are you willing to go?
Ask yourself the question, what are you aiming for? What's your goal? Be brave. Chances are for who dares.
"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." So, how hard are you willing to work to achieve your goal? Do you have what it takes to be the best? Ask yourself. Don't rush the answer, be wise. "Is the juice worth the squeeze?" Know your priorities. Focus on what actually matters. What are you trying to pull off? Think twice, double check.
Have you ever asked yourself, maybe you're not doing enough, maybe you're not trying hard enough. Look around, and see the truth for itself. See, not just watch it go by. What's beneath all those people you see, find it out. There's always more than what meets the eye.
Now, look inside yourself. Do you have what others have? Do have what others don't have? Focus. World is not a friend to just anyone. If you know yourself, and know what you want, then, are you going to get it?
You who want to be the best, how much are you willing to risk?

12 March 2011

Commute on March 11th

This is a mess. Currently I'm on an inexistent train. No one at the station knew if this train would make the trip. CP is striking during this month. It's going to be a big big mess. When I arrived at the station, there was only one board that said there would be a train departing at 13:55 on platform 7, this train. But on the platform itself, the board clearly said 'The next train isn't a passenger train.' Which is weird. Then, someone asked a CP worker, probably ticket clerk in the next train departing at 14:14. He didn't know if there was going to be a 13:55 train.
Tik, tok. A couple minutes from 13:55, announcement 'The train stationed at platform 6 will be departing to Aveiro at 13:55.' What the...!!!!! What's more, the board on the platform 6 said clearly 'departing at 14:14 to Aveiro' and it never changed, not even after this train took off. How great..............
This reminds me of my commute at March 8. It was Carnival day. Me and a collegue of mine were waiting for the train to Porto. We were sure there was going to be a train to Porto departing at 15:19, no board was showing that information. The announcer annouced that the a train would arrive at platform 2, the one we predicted that our train would depart from. But, that same train which was supposed to arrive at platform 2, landed at platform 5....somehow. Then, a CP clerk, our train driver called out for the people waiting the next train and said that the train that's going to Porto was going to depart from platform 5.
Just how more messy can they be? Even their own employees don't know what's going on? Great, anyone wants to remind what was the theory of chaos about, again?

Damn the sea is so beautifully blue and fiery. It looks like a badly painted picture. Clouds cover up the sky letting only little dots of blue. Gulls are flying over the sea really low. The distant sea looks dark blue, or maybe grey. My eyes can't really tell the difference. The close sea is greyish. But there is a strip of clear baby blue in the middle which makes it look queer.
My eyes are heavy, but I still have work to do.

8 March 2011

My commute on March 4th

The sunlight peeping out of the clouds gives off a weird feeling. It's almost surreal. The light, the coulds that seem to be floating right above the head and the distant see makes look like a picture. Like Narnja.
I'm getting a lot of this ilusion feeling today. It's sunny, but it's cold and windy. I'm quite upset since I'm more than half an hour late, because the national railway service decided to go on strike. Yeah, I'm the one wants to strike... those unhappy people for making me lose half an hour in my precious life. People like you have so much. Not money, or you wouldn't strike, but everything else that actually matters. Well, that said, I'm glad it didn't take any more of my precious time.
Suddenly, clouds covered up the sky making it look rather gloomy. Maybe in a few minutes thunder will come and open up a breach between reality and fantasy and carry us all to Narnja, or some other world. Just kidding, but looking at the sea right now, and the small boat in the middle of all that water, really gives the illusion that it may actually happen.
I don't know why, but I'm quite into Narnja stuff today. Maybe it's the air around me, or maybe it's just my headache getting to me. Haha.

Wait, I was just kidding when I said that there would be a storm in a few minutes...No! Don't rain! Don't make it happen! I didn't bring an umbrella with me!
Usually, when it's getting dark outside due to some ugly grey clouds, everything starts to lose its color and become somewhat grey. But the world I see right now, outside the train window, is brown. When I look at nature, I don't really care if it looks grey, because usually, after the grey from a storm, what is green becomes more green, and all the other colors are also brighter. But, when something is brown, it stays brown. I don't like brown, it looks like dead.
Wow, really? This can be the most amazing thing I've experienced when I commute. I think. The sun is coming out, bright and shining! Kick-ass! Awesome. I hope you hang in there, because I still have one hour to go until I get home and pick an umbrella to go out again. =)

19 February 2011

Cat Street

CAT STREET, there was a J-drama with this name. It was cool, but the manga is just my favourite.
When I'm just so unmotivated to study, I try to read it over and over again, and somehow, i manage to find a bit of resolve.

[The story centers around Keito Aoyama, a former famous child actress. Due to a childhood incident, she retired from her career early and withdrew from normal society. Now 16, she passes her days in boredom and without purpose. But one day she runs into a stranger who takes her to El Liston--a free school for high school students like herself, who don't have a place where they belong. Though hesitant at first, Keito decides to enter El Liston and subsequently, she begins a new stage in her life. With the help of her only remaining childhood friend, Taiyou, and her new classmates Rei, Momiji, and Kouichi, Keito slowly finds the courage to open up to others and to accept their support. ]

Thus is the summary that's found on MangaFox. The 'former child actress' kinda caught my attention, since I once wanted to be an actress. The theme about outcasts of society is really beaten, but I like this one story.
It reminds me that oportunities don't just pop out of nowhere, we create them. Making dreams come true is not waiting. It's about working towards the goals and opening doors. Being that brave is something I have yet to learn.

14 February 2011

Living

This morning, when I woke up, I had a panic attack. I wasn't a severe one, but it made me think what kind of person I am. So, what was all that about.
My mom has this health condition called metastatic brain cancer. Her body functions and getting worse and worse by each day it passes. Sometimes, I get the feeling that she is better, but then again, her symptoms get worse. She's got no strenght in the body and dementia is settling in. Today, I woke up and my dad said: Your mom had insomnia again, and she threw up the dinner. Also she forgot that she had dinner and she couldn't even think straight. It reminded me how great is it to be alive.
Being alive is the greastest thing ever. Life could suck, but what could I say about those who don't have one? And that, led to my panic attack. When I think about death, I think about, one day, I'll be dead too. I hate to admit it, but I really am a coward afraid of dying. The fear is so unreasonable that everytime I think about it, I have a panic attack. If this gets out of control too, I wonder if I'm going to be sent to a psychiatric hospital...

11 February 2011

Peer review: Trial by Twitter : Nature News

[This critical onslaught was striking — but not exceptional. Papers are increasingly being taken apart in blogs, on Twitter and on other social media within hours rather than years, and in public, rather than at small conferences or in private conversation. In December, for example, many scientists blogged immediate criticisms of another widely publicized paper — this one heralding bacteria that the authors claimed use arsenic rather than phosphorus in their DNA backbone. ]

[To many researchers, such rapid response is all to the good, because it weeds out sloppy work faster. "When some of these things sit around in the scientific literature for a long time, they can do damage: they can influence what people work on, they can influence whole fields," says Goldstein. This was avoided in the case of the longevity-gene paper, he says. One week after its publication, the authors released a statement saying, in part, "We have been made aware that there is a technical error in the lab test used … [and] are now closely re-examining the analysis." Then in November, Science issued an 'Expression of Concern' about the paper, in essence questioning the validity of its results.]

Man, it's getting harder and harder not getting criticized. Peer review is good, but unfunded criticism is getting trendy. I hope this doesn't turn into a habit, because gossip around scientific work is really no good.


Read full article:
Peer review: Trial by Twitter : Nature News

19 January 2011

Rampant

I'm definitely going off the tracks. I was suspecting that for a while. But yesterday, I got my confirmation.
I feel like crap, but I'm aware that I had the chance not to feel so. I'm tired of something I didn't even begin to do.
I don't know when I became so blind and too proud of what I achieved so far. Now, I try to look at myself as a stranger. I see how much of a fool I am. Really, I want to punch me hard, if I could. I don't get why I just refuse to wake up from the dream world I live in. I'm a selfconscious person, and I know that I'm reaching my breaking point. I need help. I can't reach my breaking point, I can't allow myself to do that.
Now, I need to get serious. As if I hadn't said and written and thought this more than a million times. But I do need constant reminding that I'm not the person I used to be, and that I have to straighten up, get myself together.
I'm just amazed at how miserable I can be and not do a thing about it. All wishes and nothing done. I'm starting to ask myself, what kind of person I am and what kind of person I want to be. Better, what I want in my life. That's the hell of a good question that I never answered.

3 January 2011

New Year Resolutions

Somehow, with the new year, I found my resolve back.

I've been kinda lost back there, for a year or two. Now, I guess I found what I was lacking. This time, I am absolutely not going to let myself down.

I'm through of my own excuses. Guess what, I'm going to see how this goes off.

New Year, new deeds. I hope.