14 February 2011

Living

This morning, when I woke up, I had a panic attack. I wasn't a severe one, but it made me think what kind of person I am. So, what was all that about.
My mom has this health condition called metastatic brain cancer. Her body functions and getting worse and worse by each day it passes. Sometimes, I get the feeling that she is better, but then again, her symptoms get worse. She's got no strenght in the body and dementia is settling in. Today, I woke up and my dad said: Your mom had insomnia again, and she threw up the dinner. Also she forgot that she had dinner and she couldn't even think straight. It reminded me how great is it to be alive.
Being alive is the greastest thing ever. Life could suck, but what could I say about those who don't have one? And that, led to my panic attack. When I think about death, I think about, one day, I'll be dead too. I hate to admit it, but I really am a coward afraid of dying. The fear is so unreasonable that everytime I think about it, I have a panic attack. If this gets out of control too, I wonder if I'm going to be sent to a psychiatric hospital...

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