24 September 2011

Recollection

Too influenced by people around me.
I realized just how much I'm influenced by the people around me. I've been pulled down by the people surrounding me. I'm getting weak and lazy. Too lazy to trouble myself to try for more. I stopped pushing myself forward, instead, I just go with the flow, satisfied with mediocrity.
When tidying a drawer, my mom found a t-shirt from six years ago when me and my partner accomplished the unexpected. It was a maths competition in junior high. No one in our grade, first year in junior high, ever finished the 20 levels of the quiz. But that year, we did it. That was one of my best years. Since 10th grade, three years later, it has been a spiral downwards.
Remembering those moments, I remember what they used to say to me. 'Keep it up', 'good job' and 'you are amazing'. My self love is huge, and I really need to go back to those days. I wonder if I should move again, to a place where people challenge me to do more.

9 September 2011

Anxious week

I feel like the price i'm paying it's too high.
First of all, I probably need a job to be happy, which I don't have because I have no social skills.
I hate when I get nothing done, and have to wait for other people to do their part. I never know when they will remember to do it. I hate it when things are not in my hands. I can only go with the flow, totally in a passive state. I wonder how many times I've cried only this week. I've been crying too much recently and no one really needs to know, but I just feel better.
I'm starting to wonder if the price I'm paying it's too high. Given the circumstances, the best thing I could do is to stop going to college for a while, but I don't really want to do that, and also I don't think that's what my parents want. I really should stop studying and start working just for the sake of being near my mom. But now, all I can do is try to balance between what I want and what I feel obliged to do because of family duty. This is going to be a hard year. I hope I achieve something I can be satisfied about, or else, this price won't be worth paying.

6 September 2011

parking tickets

Today, I got to see how economy changed the country. We used to joke that around Christmas time, we'd better bind by the parking rules, because police usually was out searching parking tickets to pass for their Christmas bonus or something. Today, Semptember, I saw four policemen in a street I frequently walk writing parking tickets.
The street was narrow and there were a lot of places where only one car could pass each time. It wasn't allowed to park on that street, but that didn't stop the drivers from parking. Today, for the first time, I saw police fining those people. The police here is known for being comprehensive and lenient on parking tickets. The scene I saw today made me wonder, are they acumulating their Christmas bonus with three months in advance? Or is it just that the economy of this country is so bad, they are even trying to get some money for their salaries from parking tickets?
Next time I drive, I'd want to be careful not to be fined.

Baby me

I'm starting to wonder just how weak I am. I can't take a set back well, not even the smallest of it.
I just can't believe crying is becoming a habit. A bad habit. Though now that I've cried, I feel much better. Why do I have to cry all the time? I wasn't that weak or frail.
I've become a bitter self centered person. I changed, I acknowledge that. The confident, strong me had turned into smoke vanishing in the air. Now, in place of that me, this one is weak, self-loathing, self-centered and bitter. I'm seriously thinking that I might be depressed, but then again, I don't contemplate the possibility of suicide, ever. (or maybe that's just me being too coward to even take my own life.) I really don't know I get so upset with the slightest thing that deviates from what I want. I feel sick. I feel like taking a break from the world, but then again, I'm already not very sociable. If I take a break, I'll be totally isolated when I come back.
I need to emerse myself in work so I can be stressed over unhappy. How is that supposed to work? I've become lazy. I clearly need to get the strong confident me back. This world as it is won't allow me to back off and close into a shell to protect my weak ego.

4 September 2011

Yet another bad day

Negative energies seem to be acumulating in the house. Frustration, anger, resignation, helplessness. Fights seem to be more and more frequent at home. I began to hate this place. I was glad several times before that I calmed down. But now, seems rather difficult not to get angry.
Things are just not going smoothly. Everyone had their own problems to solve, and together there are even more problems. Anger just keeps acumulating.
At home, we smile and joke many times. I used to think that we developped to a better family from the always serious family that left home so many times silent as a grave. Now, I don't think we are that much better. I'm starting to get the feeling that all those jokes are not heartedly felt and were only there to cover for the anger beneath. I wonder how long will this last.



3 September 2011

trouble day

Today is definitely not my day. My mother seemed to not want to get better at all. That, I could have handled easily as this is not that rare. Me getting all angry and frustrated at my stubborn mom.
What more to add to today was that I emailed my school about my registration for this year. They replied me telling me the registration was not valid. Great! Just something more to add to my outbreaking toothache. What an awesome way to begin my weekend! Now, there I go trying to figure out how I'll make them bypass this small little problem and validate my registration. This is going to be so much trouble. I should have known better not to bother with that extra subject, but what can I do? I have already promised my teacher I'd do it. Oh, such big trouble coming...

1 September 2011

Conclusion

Finally, finally done with it on the last day. There we go, I finished camp nano on time!! Awesome, I feel satisfied. It's the first time ever I finished telling a story.

Now, it's time for a new school year. Off I go.