27 April 2013

Conflict

Home has become again a place I don't want to go back to. I think I'm starting the feelings of a kid whose parents are divorcing or separating. It's not like I'm going through the same, no, my parents' marriage is well, considering. But I can certainly understand the feeling.
Every day is a constant frustration, every day I keep hearing my dad do the same analysis of the mistakes my mom and I do. It's not like he's the 'bad guy' here. There is no bad guy or good guy in reality, there is just different points of view and different sides of the same thing. I can understand his frustration and his anger at not being able to do anything to change the facts and i think, in his perspective no one else is willing to make the effort to make a change. I used to think like that too, but I now I think there's just no helping it. My mom is sick, it's not like she doesn't want to do things straight and right, it's because she just can't. I know that, I accept that, and I still get frustrated and angry some times. I can't say much to criticize my dad anyway because I know he has to deal with this way more often than I do. I only come back home at weekends and holidays and I'll already sick and tired of all this, I can imagine how he feels.
People need to let the anger out and maybe that's his way of doing so. I can't say much because I'll either hurt my mom's feelings or my dad's. I can only be quiet and hope that my mom doesn't take it to heart, which doesn't happen and my dad feels better afterwards. There's not really much I can do and I can feel my mom giving up. I'm not even sure it's worth having her alive. I don't know if it would be easier for her or for me if she just died.
Every day I'm confronted with a binary decision: family or career. I'm sure some of them were not what I really wanted, but society doesn't kindly let me ditch my family. I wish I could just leave my family and take all the opportunities that come along. To add up, I have all kinds of frustration like anyone has at school and work, and at home I have my dad nagging about not doing something right and my mom asking me to do something every 10 minutes. I wish I had some peace already.
Geez I need to take a break from my own life. I'm so tired of all the drama. Only life doesn't take a break, it just moves on. All one can do is adapt and survive. Darwin will knock you out if you don't XD. Stress has become so common I think I'm starting to get immune. I wish I could be immune to conflict too. Maybe that's my next target.

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